


All This Time I Was Finding Myself

by sassystarrynight



Series: AU- Soulmates [3]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: AU- Soulmates, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Friendship is Magic, M/M, family is magic, family love, happy endings, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-14
Updated: 2013-09-14
Packaged: 2017-12-26 12:32:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/965949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassystarrynight/pseuds/sassystarrynight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She stares at her wrist, traces the rune with her index finger. It is beautiful, not surprising, it shouldn’t be….and yet it is. She doesn’t know what to do now, what did people do now? What was the next step?</p><p>She wants to look at her brothers, wants to ask them, but the words are stuck in her throat. It doesn’t feel right. Nothing feels right….but it doesn’t feel wrong either. </p><p>How do you move forward?</p>
            </blockquote>





	All This Time I Was Finding Myself

**Author's Note:**

> I had the hardest time writing this. I had an idea of what I wanted her story to focus on. I had an idea of what aspect of bonds I wanted from each character, but her's was still the hardest to write. 
> 
> I can't get into her head, and I am honestly, not happy with her story, but I tried. I think this is the best I can do for her right now. I hope you all think the same and enjoy what I have given her and written for her. 
> 
> Song title from Avicii's, Wake Me Up  
> I do not own anything.

Isabelle was seven years old when Alec tells her about soulmates. There was a beautiful rune on their mother’s wrist and Isabelle wants it. She wants it now but her mom dismisses her, defensive, not in the mood.

But Alec is always in the mood, he is always there for her, so she goes to him. He hesitates for only a second before he sits her down and spins stories about soul mates.

_Think about it like a puzzle made of two puzzle pieces, and out there is a puzzle piece that fits in with you just right, that makes everything feel...right._

Isabelle falls in love with the idea of a soulmate instantly. She wants love, wants to be hugged, to be center of someone’s life, and she wants someone she can wrap herself around.

Alec laughs and doesn’t dissuade her, he plays along. She knows he likes this type of playing better, that he doesn’t want to think of her in dangerous situations. She plays along for him.

A year later, Isabelle finds herself crying every night.

She feels her world shaking, no longer the baby. She is going to have a little brother, but part of her doesn’t want one. What if they forget about her? What if she is no longer their princess? She spends those nights tracing runes on her wrist, thinking what name her soulmate would have….

She wishes with all of her heart, prays to the Angel, that she wakes up with a name on her wrist. Because then, she won’t be left behind, she won’t be alone, even if her family leaves her, doesn’t love her anymore, at least her soulmate would be there, they’ll love her, and hug her, and wipe her tears away. She knows that it won’t happen until she is older….she doesn’t stop wishing.

Alec slips his hand in hers as they wait for the day their baby brother comes home. His eyes are shining and he is nervous, she can see it. She is too.

_You are going to be the best big sister ever. He is lucky to have you as a sister._

And Isabelle cries and punches Alec on the shoulder because he would say something like that. But she is smiling, happy, and suddenly she can’t wait for her baby brother. Alec’s hand in hers reminds her that he will always love her, and now, there is someone in the family who she can protect and take care of too.

Max is small, was she that small? But he is beautiful and how could she ever not love the bundle of cuteness in her arms?

She’ll protect him, she’ll always protect her family.

Of course, she didn’t expect for a blond to wedge himself into their family too. He is very golden, she thinks at first, and for a second, she believes that he’ll be someone she’ll be able to take care off. She realizes how much she wants that.

She wants to hold his hand, tell him things are going to be ok and for some reason it hurts, more than it should. He shrugs her off, doesn’t want that, doesn’t need that, and she becomes furious.

Her temper is legendary, she can’t help it, and Alec tries to calm her down. But how can she tell him that she feels like she has to be around Jace, that there is a pull towards him? She can’t explain it, but it’s there. It is a fleeting feeling, flickering like a candle.

She rearranges her room every week those first few months. Jace and Alec train and she watches, seething, not sure why or at who she is angry at. Just that she is.

It isn’t until a fateful day, as Jace makes a remark about her blade and she can’t take it anymore, she lunges at him. They are young still, she is younger, but she is fast and they are both panting hard by the end.

Jace is gorgeous, Isabelle realizes, but….that is it. He is beautiful, like a piece of art, it is something she had always known, but hadn’t realized fully until then. She wants to laugh, because Jace would love hearing himself described as a piece of art. She shakes her head and feels the immediate change. Her anger is dissipating, the pull, becoming a lull.

He is her brother and with time, he will be cemented into their family. Like it should be.

And she thinks that this is it, they have a family, they love each other. Nothing will hurt them, and when Alec comes to her, almost crumbling, worrying over his soulmate, who he would be...Isabelle doesn’t bat an eyelash. She accepts him, loves him, and she will not let him crumble.

And she thinks that this is finally it, she has her family, now she needs her soulmate.

Except, things don’t work out like that.

Her world shatters when she listens in on an argument, because….her dad is her mom’s soulmate. How could he do that to her? That shouldn’t be possible, right? She wants to barge in, wants to scream at him, wants to demand that he should leave, how could he? why didn’t they tell them?

But she knows why, because when she sees Alec help Max with grabbing a cookie while Jace is already eating three, she doesn’t want to crumble their world.

So she keeps silent, doesn’t say a word, her world barely hanging by a thread.

How could a soulmate hurt you? How? She looks at her wrist, hesitant, but what were the odds, right? Her soulmate wouldn’t do that…..

She is fourteen when she finally shoves the idea of love, puts it away behind a wall, never to be touched….because Alec crumbles.

He isn’t the same Alec as before, with the bright blue eyes full of life, and that hidden, soft smile of his. No, he is reserved, giving them a shadow of a smile and Isabelle is angry.

She is angry and she wants to demand that Alec tell them the name of his soulmate. She will find them and they would beg for mercy. This is her brother, he protects them and they would protect him.

But she doesn’t, because it would only make things worse. Jace trains with him harder, pushing him, unsure of what else to do to help his parabatai. Isabelle begins dating boys and at least, it gives something else for him to worry about.

She doesn’t want love, doesn’t want that, doesn’t even want her soulmate. She wants to have fun, using her height and training to her advantage, she hates losing control. So everything is in her terms.

But Jace starts whining about his soulmate and she doesn’t know why. Why does he still want one? When they hurt you?

She looks at her wrist and she can’t deny that part of her still wants it.

_I want to know who my soulmate is too._

Alec gives them a pained smile.

 ……………….

The newcomers are mundanes and Isabelle isn’t happy.

Who is this Clary? Isabelle scowls but Jace likes her, there is a pull there, and Isabelle wonders if they could sense bonds between people?

Isabelle doesn’t like it, especially because with Clary comes Simon. Two mundanes. Fun. She is biting and short with them. They are close and if Clary is Jace’s soulmate, Simon is getting in the way. But nothing moves Simon from Clary’s side and it annoys Isabelle….she doesn’t want to be jealous, doesn’t want to be bitter, doesn’t want to compare herself to Clary.

Sometimes she can’t stop herself.

But even those thoughts, there is something about Clary that Isabelle, begrudgingly, admires.

The way she protects her family, getting herself into things, not wanting to be kept in the dark. Isabelle could understand that.

For a second, Isabelle feels a pull, but she ignores it. For a second it felt like she was being pulled towards Clary, but Isabelle knows that is preposterous.

For a second, Isabelle also wonders what it would be like to have Simon as her soulmate.

She ignores that too.

It is easy thoughts to ignore when Alec falls injured, when Magnus saves him, when Isabelle realizes that this warlock had broken her brother.

The things she wants to say, scream, do…..but he saves Alec and she lets him go.

……………..

She doesn’t like it, but Alec seems happier besides they have to get Jace out. Their brother, because he would always be their brother.

And Isabelle wants to be angry, that they can’t do anything without Clary. But Clary is suffering too, and she knows this. Anger simmers but doesn’t boil over.

As much as she hates not being the only girl, she finds herself enjoying it. Having someone there. Isabelle isn’t sure, but she finds herself wanting to talk to Clary….

Isabelle had never wondered what it would be like to have a sister….she finds herself wondering that now.

But she has to focus.

She knows she has to focus.

She stops thinking about soulmates.

Isabelle watches the way that Jace and Clary dance around each other, and she doesn’t understand. They are brother and sister?

She looks at Alec and Magnus, the way they hold each other, the peace between them….how could Alec forget the pain?

And Simon? She doesn’t know why but she sees pain there and she figures, being a vampire must suck. She forces herself to not laugh at her pun.

She doesn’t understand any of it.

And then…..

Simon and Jace walk into Magnus’ apartment, hand in hand. There is peace there, she sees it. There is no tension, just...peace, like with Alec and Magnus.

But it doesn’t make any sense, because Clary…..

Isabelle watches the two boys separate, moving to sit next to Clary and Isabelle wonders what Clary is feeling.

For a second, she swears she really does know, that she can feel it too. Hurt. Confusion. Understanding. Acceptance. So many emotions, Isabelle shakes her head.

_But...I thought….Jace and Clary…._

And maybe she should have kept her mouth shut, but it is too late….she doesn't want to see anyone get hurt.

She sees it, though, the way that Clary touches her chest, Jace does the same.

She knows that, remembers it from when Alec used to touch his wrist, remembers it from when she used to do it.

_Their bond is different. They share pieces of one soul._

Isabelle frowns as she looks at the way that Jace and Clary hold hands, while Simon shifts in his seat. She looks at Alec, but he only gives her a weak smile.

Now what? Isabelle wonders….how do they move forward? What did it mean?

She can’t help thinking that...well...she doesn’t like this.

………………...

Isabelle is hurt. She feels hurt. Isn’t sure why. Jace is talking to Simon and Alec and Magnus are whispering to each other.

She doesn’t want her soulmate.

And she still doesn’t understand, but she begins to when she sees the panic on Jace’s face the moment they are attacked right outside the portal. She sees the way he pulls Simon behind him.

She sees it in the way that he is hesitant over sending Simon to the Clave. In the way he always stays between Jonathan and Simon, like a wall. Isabelle isn’t sure why, because Jonathan is their cousin…..she remembers how she had acted at first, so perhaps she understands Jace’s protectiveness. Still, they wouldn’t necessarily do anything to Simon, would they? She didn’t….

And then Alec comes back without Simon and Jace is furious.

Alec doesn’t say anything, he understands. They shouldn’t trust the Clave but there is nothing Alec could have done.

She is beginning to understand.

…………………………

Clary is there.

Isabelle is angry, she can’t help it. She has a temper.

And she can’t take it anymore. Everyone she loves is hurting, people she has vowed to protect, her family.

And maybe not everything is Clary’s fault, but things were ok before she came into their world. Things would be fine if Clary thought about the consequences! Did she even care?

She wants to shake Clary, wants to scream at her. Anything to make her understand.

She is hurting Jace.

And Simon, who is family now. Has to be.

And Clary is family too somehow, Isabelle doesn’t know how but it is infuriating that Isabelle doesn’t know why.

And it hurts because Clary doesn’t see them as family. Isabelle isn’t even sure what Clary sees them as. But not family and Isabelle….

…...thinks that it is too late to stop herself from realizing what is front of her.

……………………………………. 

She remembers Aline, remembers the demon. She fights with all that she has, but it isn’t enough.

Alec is there when she wakes up, worry etched on his face.

She should have known better. But she didn’t.

She trusts Jonathan, and so does Alec.

For a split second, she wonders how Clary would have handled things.

………………………

She screams and screams until her throat is raw. 

Everything is ripped of her walls and she can’t stand seeing color.

She’s failed, failed in the one thing she always vowed to do, had always done. Where was she when her little brother needed her? Where was she when he screamed out for them? For her? She should have been there, should have known, should have seen it coming, but no….

Where was she? Thinking about stupid soulmates.

He is gone, she won’t his laughter ever again, won’t see his sparkling eyes, the way he still feared storms sometimes.

He wouldn’t be there for her to pamper, for her to protect and Angel, why hadn’t she been there?

Why couldn’t it had been her? Why him?!?!

Why him?!?

She feels the pain, feels a burning and it hurts but she embraces it. Is it her punishment?

If it is, she willingly takes it, because she deserves it, that and more.

A rune sits upon her wrist and she cries, because why did it matter? How would a name make her feel better? Nothing would bring Max back. Nothing!

So what if she now knows her soulmate’s name? Isabelle didn’t care.

She didn’t care! She would give it up for him…..

She ignores everyone, laying on her bed, staring at the rune on her wrist.

They talk, not hard to listen to them, but it surprises her when Simon does knock at her door. She wanted Clary, and she is angry at that feeling. She wants family.

She needs family.

Simon doesn’t say anything, sits next to her, before reaching out to take her wrist.

He doesn’t say anything about that either.

Isabelle really likes Simon then. He is just there and she is glad.

He is family too now.

………………………………………

Clary looks at her, pushes at her, questions her.

Isabelle doesn’t know what Clary wants from her?

_Just like Max was and you cared what happened to him._

Isabelle protects her family, always had, always will. She loves her family above everything else. She doesn’t take kindly to Clary saying otherwise.

 _You don’t understand. You are not family_.

Because it is true, Clary isn’t family, what has she done to show them that she thinks of them as family? Nothing. She thinks of only Jace, and sometimes Simon, and perhaps Isabelle is being selfish.

It wouldn’t be the first time.

But this is her family, Clary came in to mess with her family. It wasn’t fair.

The rune burns on her wrist, but Isabelle doesn’t care. 

Clary can say whatever she wants, do whatever she wants, but she wouldn’t understand, couldn’t understand.

Isabelle wants nothing to do with people that weren’t family. Not anymore.

She lost her brother, she is not going to lose anymore family.

Soulmate or not.

Simon comes in right on time. Isabelle wonders how he is handling the missing Jace, since he is his soulmate, but he only comes in to defend Clary.

Isabelle figures it must be hard, but she doesn’t respond.

It isn’t the same.

They are family to each other.

But what about the Lightwoods?

…………………………………………

She doesn’t fight, she can’t fight, she isn’t old enough. But it is ok, because there is someone else that needs her.

Honestly, Isabelle has no idea what to expect, but she sees Jace and she can’t lose him. She lashes out her whip and watches in grim satisfaction how the arm of one Jonathan rolls on the ground.

_That is for Max._

She rushes towards Jace, babbling, telling him about the fight. The rune on her wrist glows, steadying her hand. She doesn’t know how or why, but she is grateful for the burst of energy.

And then she feels pain, intense pain as she is being lifted and slammed against something.

The rune on her glows and she can’t help think, that maybe Clary will find them and save Jace.

……she hopes Jace is saved….

……………………………….

There is a celebration and she figures that yes, they deserve it.

They have won.

Isabelle is still tired, and honestly, she wants to relax, wants to take it easy. She wants to sit in Max’s room and look at his books. She wants to eat his favorite foods.

But she does not want people to worry, so she smiles and begins to talk about what to wear. It is the usual Isabelle thing and if it doesn’t reach her eyes, no one says anything.

What can they say?

Clary sits at the edge of Isabelle’s bed, talking to Aline. Isabelle feels her rune, it glows softly, she still hasn’t figured out why it does that.

She doesn’t even notice when Aline leaves, only realizes when she turns around and presents Clary with a dress, wondering if she’ll want to wear it.

Clary makes to take the offered dress, but instead grabs Isabelle’s hand, turning it to look at her wrist, before offering her own wrist.

Their runes glow softly.

A match.

_You are right, I have not live the life you have, always in danger of dying._

_You saved-_

_I was scared for you too._

Isabelle looks at her surprised.

_I am sorry about Max. I don’t think I have told you that, or any of you, before. When I should have._

Isabelle takes Clary’s hand in hers and squeezes it.

_We are Lightwoods, and we have different bonds, but we come in a package._

_So do we._

Isabelle grins and lets Clary’s hand go in order to put the dress back in her closet.

_We must hurry or they’ll start partying without us._

Isabelle doesn’t know what to do about her soulmate, doesn’t understand what it means, not really….not fully….

But Clary is family now….

They are all family now.

And she loves her family.

That is enough.

**Author's Note:**

> It is not an Isabelle/Clary fic, and I am not sure if in the future it would ever turn into a Isabelle/Clary pairing. That is not the focus I wanted for them, specifically Isabelle. There were things I did not include but I might write about in other snippets. 
> 
> That said, I hope you all enjoyed this part focused on her. Even if it was not up to par to her character. 
> 
> I am not sure how many people will actually read this, but I wrote it because it had to be written and her story needed to be told. To those that do read it, hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
